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Your loved one is going to go through a lot of changes and self discovery and out of love for your family member you will have to
change with them. This will not be easy for you. You will find that the person you thought you knew was hiding a huge side of
themselves. In fact they did hide that part of themselves because they were afraid to express that side. As your loved one feels
safer and more confident to express themselves, you will feel that they are changing.
Your loved one is changing, and as they reveal themselves to you for the first time, you are finally getting the "whole story" about
who they are. The hard part of this is that you may or may not like the person you begin to learn about. It will take time to get to
know him or her for the person they really are, and have been hiding from you. You will miss the old person and you may even
feel that they have passed on. There is on way around these feelings, but in time your heart will mend and you will learn to love
them again. I will be honest with you; this is not easy.
You may need the help of a therapist, during this difficult time of adjustment. It may help to think of all these changes in terms of
your loved one having a disease or condition that will affect the whole family. You will long to go back to a "normal" life. But
"normal" for you, means "death" to your transgendered loved one.
Please give yourself time to digest all that is happening to you and your family. We believe and hope it will have been worth your
time and effort to maintain the bond of love between you and your loved one.
Terms
These are some terms to help you better understand the literature you will be reading as you educate yourself.
Transgender - is an umbrella term used to describe gender variant people who have gender identity expressions or behaviors not
traditionally associated with their birth sex. Not all transgendered persons alter their physical anatomy.
Crossdresser -one who wears opposite gender clothing.
Gender - is a psychosocial construct for classification.
Gender Dysphoria - is an overwhelming desire to assume the physiological characteristics and social roles of the opposite sex.
Gender Identity - is a person's sense of their own gender
Gender Expression - is the gender you demonstrate to others.
Genetic or GG - Genetic Guy, Genetic Girl - one who was born a specific gender, as opposed to one who transitions to a gender.
LGBTQI - Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual, Transsexual, Queer, Intersexed
SOFFA - Significant Others Family, Friends and Acquaintances.
Transvestite - Fetish in which a heterosexual male dresses in the clothing of the opposite sex, as the primary means of sexual
arousal.
Transsexual - by definition is one who wishes to be considered a member of the opposite sex and/ or has undergone a sex change.
For more terms, see "What Am I" Page.
Proper Etiquette
A note of proper etiquette. You may run across transsexual/trangendered people in society and your first thought is, " Why is that
guy in a dress?" That "guy" is in a dress, because "she" is transitioning to the correct gender role for her brain sex. Yes we do
look a sight sometimes when in transition, but please be kind to us. It is difficult enough to go against society, family, friends and
our church. We don't need insults too. As we transition, you will find our appearance will get better and better, so be patient with
us, we didn't have the benefit of making this change at puberty when our friends could help us. We have to go from 12 to 30 in a
year or two and it is hard. Some times we have to go it alone and its tough. All we want is to fit into society so seamlessly that
you would not know we were different in any way.
Please always address us as the clothing we wear not the physical sex of our body. If a guy in a dress comes up to you, please
call him "miss" "ma'am" "her" "she" etc.... Always respond to the clothing and mannerisms. If you guess wrong, the individual
will politely correct you. Thank you for your kindness.
Resources
Cross Dressing - Trans-gender Expression
http://www.tg2tg.org/sosupport/cdso/so-faq.htm
Letters to loved ones - Coming out
http://www.transfamily.org/letters.htm
Transgender Children
http://www.lauras-playground.com/transgender_transsexual_children.htm
Transsexual Children - Article
http://www.kaffeine.freeuk.com/korner/tschldrn.htm
Mermaids - Youth site
http://www.mermaids.freeuk.com/toc3.html
Trans Youth Family Advocates
http://www.imatyfa.org/
Out Proud - Youth site
http://www.transproud.com/
Gender Odyssey Family
http://genderodysseyfamily.com/index.html
Colage - Support For Kids Of LGBTIQ People
http://www.colage.org/programs/online/
The Straight Spouse Network
(SSN) is an international organization that provides personal, confidential support and information to heterosexual
spouses/partners, current or former, of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender mates and mixed-orientation couples for
constructively resolving coming-out problems.
http://www.straightspouse.org/
Significant Other Discussion Groups
FTM_International_AFLOAT · Allies, Friends & Loved Ones of FTMs
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/FTM_International_AFLOAT/
tgmi-SOFFAs · TransGender Michigan's List for SOFFAs
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/tgmi-SOFFAs/
Trans Family - Discussion lists - where to talk about it
http://www.transfamily.org/emailist.htm
Despite outward appearances, we are frail, scared, and fractured and we desperately hold on to some resemblance of sanity,
focusing on others to survive. Transition is life altering this is for us. We potentially loose everything. If it weren't for the
overwhelming need to be recognized for who we are inside and the constant suicidal feelings, we would not transition, the loss of
everything we hold dear would be too high a price.
Before transition, a trans women (mtf) is a male, a son, a brother, a father. After transition, she is a girl, a daughter, a sister, a
mother, (a freak) in a family that often rejects her. This experience is considerably different than coming out as a homosexual
person, where your gender role in the family stays the same. We were never validated or affirmed for the person we were inside.
From the day we came home from the hospital, we had the wrong colored booties on and that wrong label was forced on us
through out life by unknowing parents, trying to do the best for their child.
Many of our family members will never speak to us again, as a result of our transition. Our families tell us that we "killed" the
person they loved. Our families have to deal with a death in the family because of us. They no longer have a brother, a son, a
father. Our families tell us they wish we were gay or lesbian, cause that would be easier to deal with than their son putting on a
dress and calling himself Mary Ann. Fathers shutter and as their "son" lops off his manhood and any chance of passing on the
family name to off spring.
Our lives feel desperate and hopeless when we want to transition and feel trapped. This is why so many of us kill ourselves. We
can not cope with the extreme rejection of family, friends, our church and society.
We are criticized for being "self centered" when we transition. For the first time in our lives, we ARE focusing on ourselves. We
get to be what we always felt we were inside and prayed someday we would be. All our lives we self sacrificed and did every
little thing anyone asked of us to in an effort to gain approval. Approval which never seemed to mean anything. It was always
conditional. We wait on others for some morsel of "approval", some crumb to fall from their table of acceptance. We would have
done anything! And we did, just to "feel" accepted.
Emotionally we stopped maturing at puberty when our bodies betrayed us and changed into the opposite of what we were inside.
Until transition, we live in our heads, detached from our bodies. When we transition, our emotional maturity begins again,... at
puberty. Body and mind reconnect and for the first time since childhood we become a whole person. We act like children in
puberty emotionally, because WE ARE!
We make all the same infantile male/female jokes that pre-teens and teens make. The only difference is, that as adults, we "know"
they are JUST jokes. Those seemingly derogatory jokes are a form of affirmation of the new gender role. Our emotional state
has to grow from 12 years of age to 40 or 50 years of age in a span of 2 to 4 years. Needless to say there is a lot of self
discovery that happens very rapidly and we uncover a lot of emotional stuff never dealt with. It takes some individuals, the rest of
their lives to come to terms with 30 or more years the buried and misunderstood feelings. All of it revolving around invalidation
and lack of acceptance. We even have emotional acceptance issues in the new gender role after transition!
After transition, we deal with a whole new set of problems. We have no past history in the new gender role. It is so alienating
and embarrassing for us to be in a conversation with others of our new gender and have no history and sometimes no information
to "remember" so we can "fit in" and contribute to the conversation. Trying to be "one of the girls" or "one of the guys" is so
difficult. We are hungry for information that will make us feel "genetic". But we still feel like a fraud. We become depressed and
wonder is this what life will be like. "Will I never "feel" like I fit in? Why is there no place for me in society?"
Perhaps one can begin to understand why so many commit suicide. Why we fall into depression so easily; because nothing ever
seems to fit! Some of us "choose" to be happy with what we can get in this life and others struggle with happiness.
This briefly explains the troubles and conflicts we face day to day within ourselves and with society. The most important and
difficult to explain is that after transition, we finally "feel" like a whole person. Our souls are at peace for the first time.
To sum things up one way:
"Before transition we are loved by our friends and family, but we have a deep hatred of ourselves. After transition, we are hated
by our family and friends, but now we love ourselves."
Through out most of our lives we learn values such as "be true to yourself", "my word is my bond", "always stand up and do the
right thing". Normally society makes heroes of these individuals and makes countless movies about them. But when WE stand on
our own and do the right thing, to be true to ourselves, it comes at a tremendous cost. We are not heroes, but "villains" and
"selfish". In movies we are portrayed as crazy, serial killers, the dead or deserving victim, or the worst of the worst. Who would
pay such a high price if they did not truly feel the way we do into the depths of our being? Could you pay such a price for your
life?
Thank you for letting us share this with you.
.
change with them. This will not be easy for you. You will find that the person you thought you knew was hiding a huge side of
themselves. In fact they did hide that part of themselves because they were afraid to express that side. As your loved one feels
safer and more confident to express themselves, you will feel that they are changing.
Your loved one is changing, and as they reveal themselves to you for the first time, you are finally getting the "whole story" about
who they are. The hard part of this is that you may or may not like the person you begin to learn about. It will take time to get to
know him or her for the person they really are, and have been hiding from you. You will miss the old person and you may even
feel that they have passed on. There is on way around these feelings, but in time your heart will mend and you will learn to love
them again. I will be honest with you; this is not easy.
You may need the help of a therapist, during this difficult time of adjustment. It may help to think of all these changes in terms of
your loved one having a disease or condition that will affect the whole family. You will long to go back to a "normal" life. But
"normal" for you, means "death" to your transgendered loved one.
Please give yourself time to digest all that is happening to you and your family. We believe and hope it will have been worth your
time and effort to maintain the bond of love between you and your loved one.
Terms
These are some terms to help you better understand the literature you will be reading as you educate yourself.
Transgender - is an umbrella term used to describe gender variant people who have gender identity expressions or behaviors not
traditionally associated with their birth sex. Not all transgendered persons alter their physical anatomy.
Crossdresser -one who wears opposite gender clothing.
Gender - is a psychosocial construct for classification.
Gender Dysphoria - is an overwhelming desire to assume the physiological characteristics and social roles of the opposite sex.
Gender Identity - is a person's sense of their own gender
Gender Expression - is the gender you demonstrate to others.
Genetic or GG - Genetic Guy, Genetic Girl - one who was born a specific gender, as opposed to one who transitions to a gender.
LGBTQI - Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual, Transsexual, Queer, Intersexed
SOFFA - Significant Others Family, Friends and Acquaintances.
Transvestite - Fetish in which a heterosexual male dresses in the clothing of the opposite sex, as the primary means of sexual
arousal.
Transsexual - by definition is one who wishes to be considered a member of the opposite sex and/ or has undergone a sex change.
For more terms, see "What Am I" Page.
Proper Etiquette
A note of proper etiquette. You may run across transsexual/trangendered people in society and your first thought is, " Why is that
guy in a dress?" That "guy" is in a dress, because "she" is transitioning to the correct gender role for her brain sex. Yes we do
look a sight sometimes when in transition, but please be kind to us. It is difficult enough to go against society, family, friends and
our church. We don't need insults too. As we transition, you will find our appearance will get better and better, so be patient with
us, we didn't have the benefit of making this change at puberty when our friends could help us. We have to go from 12 to 30 in a
year or two and it is hard. Some times we have to go it alone and its tough. All we want is to fit into society so seamlessly that
you would not know we were different in any way.
Please always address us as the clothing we wear not the physical sex of our body. If a guy in a dress comes up to you, please
call him "miss" "ma'am" "her" "she" etc.... Always respond to the clothing and mannerisms. If you guess wrong, the individual
will politely correct you. Thank you for your kindness.
Resources
Cross Dressing - Trans-gender Expression
http://www.tg2tg.org/sosupport/cdso/so-faq.htm
Letters to loved ones - Coming out
http://www.transfamily.org/letters.htm
Transgender Children
http://www.lauras-playground.com/transgender_transsexual_children.htm
Transsexual Children - Article
http://www.kaffeine.freeuk.com/korner/tschldrn.htm
Mermaids - Youth site
http://www.mermaids.freeuk.com/toc3.html
Trans Youth Family Advocates
http://www.imatyfa.org/
Out Proud - Youth site
http://www.transproud.com/
Gender Odyssey Family
http://genderodysseyfamily.com/index.html
Colage - Support For Kids Of LGBTIQ People
http://www.colage.org/programs/online/
The Straight Spouse Network
(SSN) is an international organization that provides personal, confidential support and information to heterosexual
spouses/partners, current or former, of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender mates and mixed-orientation couples for
constructively resolving coming-out problems.
http://www.straightspouse.org/
Significant Other Discussion Groups
FTM_International_AFLOAT · Allies, Friends & Loved Ones of FTMs
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/FTM_International_AFLOAT/
tgmi-SOFFAs · TransGender Michigan's List for SOFFAs
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/tgmi-SOFFAs/
Trans Family - Discussion lists - where to talk about it
http://www.transfamily.org/emailist.htm
Despite outward appearances, we are frail, scared, and fractured and we desperately hold on to some resemblance of sanity,
focusing on others to survive. Transition is life altering this is for us. We potentially loose everything. If it weren't for the
overwhelming need to be recognized for who we are inside and the constant suicidal feelings, we would not transition, the loss of
everything we hold dear would be too high a price.
Before transition, a trans women (mtf) is a male, a son, a brother, a father. After transition, she is a girl, a daughter, a sister, a
mother, (a freak) in a family that often rejects her. This experience is considerably different than coming out as a homosexual
person, where your gender role in the family stays the same. We were never validated or affirmed for the person we were inside.
From the day we came home from the hospital, we had the wrong colored booties on and that wrong label was forced on us
through out life by unknowing parents, trying to do the best for their child.
Many of our family members will never speak to us again, as a result of our transition. Our families tell us that we "killed" the
person they loved. Our families have to deal with a death in the family because of us. They no longer have a brother, a son, a
father. Our families tell us they wish we were gay or lesbian, cause that would be easier to deal with than their son putting on a
dress and calling himself Mary Ann. Fathers shutter and as their "son" lops off his manhood and any chance of passing on the
family name to off spring.
Our lives feel desperate and hopeless when we want to transition and feel trapped. This is why so many of us kill ourselves. We
can not cope with the extreme rejection of family, friends, our church and society.
We are criticized for being "self centered" when we transition. For the first time in our lives, we ARE focusing on ourselves. We
get to be what we always felt we were inside and prayed someday we would be. All our lives we self sacrificed and did every
little thing anyone asked of us to in an effort to gain approval. Approval which never seemed to mean anything. It was always
conditional. We wait on others for some morsel of "approval", some crumb to fall from their table of acceptance. We would have
done anything! And we did, just to "feel" accepted.
Emotionally we stopped maturing at puberty when our bodies betrayed us and changed into the opposite of what we were inside.
Until transition, we live in our heads, detached from our bodies. When we transition, our emotional maturity begins again,... at
puberty. Body and mind reconnect and for the first time since childhood we become a whole person. We act like children in
puberty emotionally, because WE ARE!
We make all the same infantile male/female jokes that pre-teens and teens make. The only difference is, that as adults, we "know"
they are JUST jokes. Those seemingly derogatory jokes are a form of affirmation of the new gender role. Our emotional state
has to grow from 12 years of age to 40 or 50 years of age in a span of 2 to 4 years. Needless to say there is a lot of self
discovery that happens very rapidly and we uncover a lot of emotional stuff never dealt with. It takes some individuals, the rest of
their lives to come to terms with 30 or more years the buried and misunderstood feelings. All of it revolving around invalidation
and lack of acceptance. We even have emotional acceptance issues in the new gender role after transition!
After transition, we deal with a whole new set of problems. We have no past history in the new gender role. It is so alienating
and embarrassing for us to be in a conversation with others of our new gender and have no history and sometimes no information
to "remember" so we can "fit in" and contribute to the conversation. Trying to be "one of the girls" or "one of the guys" is so
difficult. We are hungry for information that will make us feel "genetic". But we still feel like a fraud. We become depressed and
wonder is this what life will be like. "Will I never "feel" like I fit in? Why is there no place for me in society?"
Perhaps one can begin to understand why so many commit suicide. Why we fall into depression so easily; because nothing ever
seems to fit! Some of us "choose" to be happy with what we can get in this life and others struggle with happiness.
This briefly explains the troubles and conflicts we face day to day within ourselves and with society. The most important and
difficult to explain is that after transition, we finally "feel" like a whole person. Our souls are at peace for the first time.
To sum things up one way:
"Before transition we are loved by our friends and family, but we have a deep hatred of ourselves. After transition, we are hated
by our family and friends, but now we love ourselves."
Through out most of our lives we learn values such as "be true to yourself", "my word is my bond", "always stand up and do the
right thing". Normally society makes heroes of these individuals and makes countless movies about them. But when WE stand on
our own and do the right thing, to be true to ourselves, it comes at a tremendous cost. We are not heroes, but "villains" and
"selfish". In movies we are portrayed as crazy, serial killers, the dead or deserving victim, or the worst of the worst. Who would
pay such a high price if they did not truly feel the way we do into the depths of our being? Could you pay such a price for your
life?
Thank you for letting us share this with you.
.
| Family |
Transgendered Soul
| Family, Friends, and Loved Ones Help Page |
| Thank you for visiting the Transgendered Soul International Website!! The Transgendered Soul (TGS) gives only general information relating to transition for individuals with gender disphoria or Intersexed condition. We are not responsible for what the individual does with that information. We do not suggest any results from the information provided here. Our purpose is to offer resources and encouragement to individuals suffering with these conditions in hopes of connecting them with resources useful to them and all aspects of their transition. The TGS will be held harmless from any results an individual gets from a provider or information located on this site. TGS does not engage in the practice of medicine or psychology, is not a medical or psychological authority, and does not claim medical or psychiatric knowledge. TGS recommends that you consult your own physician and psychologist regarding any course of treatment or medication. There are links to other web sites in various places through out our web site. TGS is not responsible for the content of other websites reached from links on our website. Use of this site and its information constitutes an agreement to these terms. |
| A Trans Life |
| Welcome to our Family Page, here you will find support for yourself as a family member of a transgendered person. If you are just starting to deal with a loved one coming out, we suggest that you join a support group to help you deal with your feelings and your loved ones changes. Please look around the rest of this website for more information about what it is to be transsexual/transgendered. |