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You, your family and your loved one will go through a lot of changes.
Your loved one is going through a lot of self discovery and out of love
for your family member you will have to change with them. This will
not be easy for you. You will find that the person you thought you
knew was hiding a huge side of themselves. In fact they did hide that
part of themselves because they were afraid to express it. As your
loved one feels safer and more confident to express themselves, you
will feel that they are changing. The whole family is changing and it
will never be the same again. That doesn't have to be a bad thing.
As your loved one reveals themself to you for the first time, you will
finally be getting the "whole story" about who they are. The hard part
of this is that you may or may not like the person you begin to learn about. It will take time to get to know him or her for the person
they really are, and have been hiding from you. You will miss the old person and you may even feel that they have passed on. There
is on way around these feelings, but in time your heart will mend and you will learn to love them again. I will be honest with you; this
is not easy.
You may need the help of a therapist, during this difficult time of adjustment. It may help to think of all these changes in terms of
your loved one having a disease or condition that will affect the whole family. You will long to go back to a "normal" life. But
"normal" for you, means "death" to your transgendered loved one.
Please give yourself time to digest all that is happening to you and your family. We believe and hope it will have been worth your
time and effort to maintain the bond of love between you and your loved one.
.....................................................Terms to Help You Understand
These are some terms to help you better understand the literature you will be reading as you educate yourself.
Transgender - is an umbrella term used to describe gender variant people who have gender identity expressions or behaviors not
traditionally associated with their birth sex. Not all transgendered persons alter their physical anatomy.
Crossdresser -one who wears opposite gender clothing.
Gender - is a psychosocial construct for classification.
Gender Dysphoria - is an overwhelming desire to assume the physiological characteristics and social roles of the opposite sex.
Gender Identity - is a person's sense of their own gender
Gender Expression - is the gender you demonstrate to others.
Genetic or GG - Genetic Guy, Genetic Girl - one who was born a specific gender, as opposed to one who transitions to a gender.
LGBTQI - Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual, Transsexual, Queer, Intersexed
SOFFA - Significant Others Family, Friends and Acquaintances.
Transvestite - Fetish in which a heterosexual male dresses in the clothing of the opposite sex, as the primary means of sexual arousal.
Transsexual - by definition is one who wishes to be considered a member of the opposite sex and/ or has undergone a sex change.
For more terms, see "What Am I" Page.
..................................................................Parental Guilt
If you are the parent of a transgendered person, you may be asking questions like, "Why did this happen?" or "Did I make my child
like this?" "Was it something I did during pregnancy?" "Was I too permissive with my child while he or she was young? The
answers are; "No one knows why this happens, you didn't cause this, nor could you have fixed it". This is not your fault, or your
child's fault. It is an error in nature that sometimes occurs. You are one of the few who has a transgendered child. Some parents
face dealing with children with other kinds of birth defects. You and your child will face life's challenges together. If your child lived
for some time with out coming out to you, this is a big shock to you now. You probably feel like the person you knew as your child
"died and changed" both. Seek help from a therapist and a support group for all you will go through. Remember this is not your fault
or your child's.
................................................................What About Me!
It may seem that your loved one no longer cares what you want. That's not what's happening. Your loved one has cared about you
and what you wanted first, all these years, now he or she is caring about themselves first. Its not about you, its about them. It's hard
to give up the privilege of being "first".
................................................................Proper Etiquette
As you now meet more transsexual/trangendered people in support groups, you may encounter some who look quite a fright! Yes
some do look a sight sometimes when in transition, but please be kind. It is difficult enough to go against society, family, friends and
church. As we transition, you will find our appearance will get better and better, so please be patient, we didn't have the benefit of
making this change at puberty when our friends could help us. We have to go from 12 to 30 in a year or two and it is hard. Some
times we have to go it alone and that makes it tougher. All we want is to fit into society so seamlessly that no one would know we
were different in any way.
Please always address us as the clothing we wear not the physical sex of our body. If a guy in a dress comes up to you, please call
him "miss" "ma'am" "her" "she" etc.... Always respond to the clothing and mannerisms. If you guess wrong, the individual will
politely correct you. Thank you for your kindness.
Cross Dressing - Trans-gender Expression
http://www.tg2tg.org/sosupport/cdso/so-faq.htm
Letters to loved ones - Coming out
http://www.transfamily.org/resources.letters.htm
Transgender Children
http://www.lauras-playground.com/transgender_transsexual_children.htm
Transsexual Children - Article
http://www.kaffeine.freeuk.com/korner/tschldrn.htm
Mermaids - Youth site
http://www.mermaids.freeuk.com/toc3.html
Trans Youth Family Advocates
http://www.imatyfa.org/
Out Proud - Youth site
http://www.transproud.com/
Gender Spectrum Family
http://genderspectrumfamily.com/
Colage - Support For Kids Of LGBTIQ People
http://www.colage.org/programs/online/
The Straight Spouse Network
(SSN) is an international organization that provides personal, confidential support and information to heterosexual spouses/partners,
current or former, of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender mates and mixed-orientation couples for constructively resolving
coming-out problems.
http://www.straightspouse.org/
Affirming Gender: Why go slow: for those whose families are trying
http://www.gayalliance.org/index.php?option=com_mojo&Itemid=114&p=2449
Significant Other Discussion Groups
FTM_International_AFLOAT · Allies, Friends & Loved Ones of FTMs
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/FTM_International_AFLOAT/
tgmi-SOFFAs · TransGender Michigan's List for SOFFAs
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/tgmi-SOFFAs/
Trans Family - Discussion lists - where to talk about it
http://www.transfamily.org/lists.html
Despite outward appearances, we are frail, scared, and fractured and we desperately hold on to some resemblance of sanity, focusing
on others to survive. Transition is life altering this is for us. We potentially loose everything. If it weren't for the overwhelming need
to be recognized for who we are inside and the constant suicidal feelings, we would not transition, the loss of everything we hold dear
would be too high a price.
Before transition, a trans women (mtf) is a male, a son, a brother, a father. After transition, she is a girl, a daughter, a sister, a mother,
(a freak) in a family that often rejects her. This experience is considerably different than coming out as a homosexual person, where
your gender role in the family stays the same. We were never validated or affirmed for the person we were inside. From the day we
came home from the hospital, we had the wrong colored booties on and that wrong label was forced on us through out life by
unknowing parents, trying to do the best for their child.
Many of our family members will never speak to us again, as a result of our transition. Our families tell us that we "killed" the person
they loved. Our families have to deal with a death in the family because of us. They no longer have a brother, a son, a father. Our
families tell us they wish we were gay or lesbian, cause that would be easier to deal with than their son putting on a dress and calling
himself Mary Ann. Fathers shutter and as their "son" lops off his manhood and any chance of passing on the family name to off
spring.
Our lives feel desperate and hopeless when we want to transition and feel trapped. This is why so many of us kill ourselves. We can
not cope with the extreme rejection of family, friends, our church and society.
We are criticized for being "self centered" when we transition. For the first time in our lives, we ARE focusing on ourselves. We get
to be what we always felt we were inside and prayed someday we would be. All our lives we self sacrificed and did every little thing
anyone asked of us to in an effort to gain approval. Approval which never seemed to mean anything. It was always conditional. We
wait on others for some morsel of "approval", some crumb to fall from their table of acceptance. We would have done anything! And
we did, just to "feel" accepted.
Emotionally we stopped maturing at puberty when our bodies betrayed us and changed into the opposite of what we were inside. Until
transition, we live in our heads, detached from our bodies. When we transition, our emotional maturity begins again,... at puberty.
Body and mind reconnect and for the first time since childhood we become a whole person. We act like children in puberty
emotionally, because WE ARE!
We make all the same infantile male/female jokes that pre-teens and teens make. The only difference is, that as adults, we "know" they
are JUST jokes. Those seemingly derogatory jokes are a form of affirmation of the new gender role. Our emotional state has to
grow from 12 years of age to 40 or 50 years of age in a span of 2 to 4 years. Needless to say there is a lot of self discovery that
happens very rapidly and we uncover a lot of emotional stuff never dealt with. It takes some individuals, the rest of their lives to come
to terms with 30 or more years the buried and misunderstood feelings. All of it revolving around invalidation and lack of acceptance.
We even have emotional acceptance issues in the new gender role after transition!
After transition, we deal with a whole new set of problems. We have no past history in the new gender role. It is so alienating and
embarrassing for us to be in a conversation with others of our new gender and have no history and sometimes no information to
"remember" so we can "fit in" and contribute to the conversation. Trying to be "one of the girls" or "one of the guys" is so difficult.
We are hungry for information that will make us feel "genetic". But we still feel like a fraud. We become depressed and wonder is this
what life will be like. "Will I never "feel" like I fit in? Why is there no place for me in society?"
Perhaps one can begin to understand why so many commit suicide. Why we fall into depression so easily; because nothing ever
seems to fit! Some of us "choose" to be happy with what we can get in this life and others struggle with happiness.
This briefly explains the troubles and conflicts we face day to day within ourselves and with society. The most important and difficult
to explain is that after transition, we finally "feel" like a whole person. Our souls are at peace for the first time.
To sum things up one way:
"Before transition we are loved by our friends and family, but we have a deep hatred of ourselves. After transition, we are hated by
our family and friends, but now we love ourselves."
Through out most of our lives we learn values such as "be true to yourself", "my word is my bond", "always stand up and do the right
thing". Normally society makes heroes of these individuals and makes countless movies about them. But when WE stand on our own
and do the right thing, to be true to ourselves, it comes at a tremendous cost. We are not heroes, but "villains" and "selfish". In
movies we are portrayed as crazy, serial killers, the dead or deserving victim, or the worst of the worst. Who would pay such a high
price if they did not truly feel the way we do into the depths of our being? Could you pay such a price for your life?
Thank you for letting us share this with you.
.
Your loved one is going through a lot of self discovery and out of love
for your family member you will have to change with them. This will
not be easy for you. You will find that the person you thought you
knew was hiding a huge side of themselves. In fact they did hide that
part of themselves because they were afraid to express it. As your
loved one feels safer and more confident to express themselves, you
will feel that they are changing. The whole family is changing and it
will never be the same again. That doesn't have to be a bad thing.
As your loved one reveals themself to you for the first time, you will
finally be getting the "whole story" about who they are. The hard part
of this is that you may or may not like the person you begin to learn about. It will take time to get to know him or her for the person
they really are, and have been hiding from you. You will miss the old person and you may even feel that they have passed on. There
is on way around these feelings, but in time your heart will mend and you will learn to love them again. I will be honest with you; this
is not easy.
You may need the help of a therapist, during this difficult time of adjustment. It may help to think of all these changes in terms of
your loved one having a disease or condition that will affect the whole family. You will long to go back to a "normal" life. But
"normal" for you, means "death" to your transgendered loved one.
Please give yourself time to digest all that is happening to you and your family. We believe and hope it will have been worth your
time and effort to maintain the bond of love between you and your loved one.
.....................................................Terms to Help You Understand
These are some terms to help you better understand the literature you will be reading as you educate yourself.
Transgender - is an umbrella term used to describe gender variant people who have gender identity expressions or behaviors not
traditionally associated with their birth sex. Not all transgendered persons alter their physical anatomy.
Crossdresser -one who wears opposite gender clothing.
Gender - is a psychosocial construct for classification.
Gender Dysphoria - is an overwhelming desire to assume the physiological characteristics and social roles of the opposite sex.
Gender Identity - is a person's sense of their own gender
Gender Expression - is the gender you demonstrate to others.
Genetic or GG - Genetic Guy, Genetic Girl - one who was born a specific gender, as opposed to one who transitions to a gender.
LGBTQI - Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual, Transsexual, Queer, Intersexed
SOFFA - Significant Others Family, Friends and Acquaintances.
Transvestite - Fetish in which a heterosexual male dresses in the clothing of the opposite sex, as the primary means of sexual arousal.
Transsexual - by definition is one who wishes to be considered a member of the opposite sex and/ or has undergone a sex change.
For more terms, see "What Am I" Page.
..................................................................Parental Guilt
If you are the parent of a transgendered person, you may be asking questions like, "Why did this happen?" or "Did I make my child
like this?" "Was it something I did during pregnancy?" "Was I too permissive with my child while he or she was young? The
answers are; "No one knows why this happens, you didn't cause this, nor could you have fixed it". This is not your fault, or your
child's fault. It is an error in nature that sometimes occurs. You are one of the few who has a transgendered child. Some parents
face dealing with children with other kinds of birth defects. You and your child will face life's challenges together. If your child lived
for some time with out coming out to you, this is a big shock to you now. You probably feel like the person you knew as your child
"died and changed" both. Seek help from a therapist and a support group for all you will go through. Remember this is not your fault
or your child's.
................................................................What About Me!
It may seem that your loved one no longer cares what you want. That's not what's happening. Your loved one has cared about you
and what you wanted first, all these years, now he or she is caring about themselves first. Its not about you, its about them. It's hard
to give up the privilege of being "first".
................................................................Proper Etiquette
As you now meet more transsexual/trangendered people in support groups, you may encounter some who look quite a fright! Yes
some do look a sight sometimes when in transition, but please be kind. It is difficult enough to go against society, family, friends and
church. As we transition, you will find our appearance will get better and better, so please be patient, we didn't have the benefit of
making this change at puberty when our friends could help us. We have to go from 12 to 30 in a year or two and it is hard. Some
times we have to go it alone and that makes it tougher. All we want is to fit into society so seamlessly that no one would know we
were different in any way.
Please always address us as the clothing we wear not the physical sex of our body. If a guy in a dress comes up to you, please call
him "miss" "ma'am" "her" "she" etc.... Always respond to the clothing and mannerisms. If you guess wrong, the individual will
politely correct you. Thank you for your kindness.
Cross Dressing - Trans-gender Expression
http://www.tg2tg.org/sosupport/cdso/so-faq.htm
Letters to loved ones - Coming out
http://www.transfamily.org/resources.letters.htm
Transgender Children
http://www.lauras-playground.com/transgender_transsexual_children.htm
Transsexual Children - Article
http://www.kaffeine.freeuk.com/korner/tschldrn.htm
Mermaids - Youth site
http://www.mermaids.freeuk.com/toc3.html
Trans Youth Family Advocates
http://www.imatyfa.org/
Out Proud - Youth site
http://www.transproud.com/
Gender Spectrum Family
http://genderspectrumfamily.com/
Colage - Support For Kids Of LGBTIQ People
http://www.colage.org/programs/online/
The Straight Spouse Network
(SSN) is an international organization that provides personal, confidential support and information to heterosexual spouses/partners,
current or former, of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender mates and mixed-orientation couples for constructively resolving
coming-out problems.
http://www.straightspouse.org/
Affirming Gender: Why go slow: for those whose families are trying
http://www.gayalliance.org/index.php?option=com_mojo&Itemid=114&p=2449
Significant Other Discussion Groups
FTM_International_AFLOAT · Allies, Friends & Loved Ones of FTMs
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/FTM_International_AFLOAT/
tgmi-SOFFAs · TransGender Michigan's List for SOFFAs
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/tgmi-SOFFAs/
Trans Family - Discussion lists - where to talk about it
http://www.transfamily.org/lists.html
Despite outward appearances, we are frail, scared, and fractured and we desperately hold on to some resemblance of sanity, focusing
on others to survive. Transition is life altering this is for us. We potentially loose everything. If it weren't for the overwhelming need
to be recognized for who we are inside and the constant suicidal feelings, we would not transition, the loss of everything we hold dear
would be too high a price.
Before transition, a trans women (mtf) is a male, a son, a brother, a father. After transition, she is a girl, a daughter, a sister, a mother,
(a freak) in a family that often rejects her. This experience is considerably different than coming out as a homosexual person, where
your gender role in the family stays the same. We were never validated or affirmed for the person we were inside. From the day we
came home from the hospital, we had the wrong colored booties on and that wrong label was forced on us through out life by
unknowing parents, trying to do the best for their child.
Many of our family members will never speak to us again, as a result of our transition. Our families tell us that we "killed" the person
they loved. Our families have to deal with a death in the family because of us. They no longer have a brother, a son, a father. Our
families tell us they wish we were gay or lesbian, cause that would be easier to deal with than their son putting on a dress and calling
himself Mary Ann. Fathers shutter and as their "son" lops off his manhood and any chance of passing on the family name to off
spring.
Our lives feel desperate and hopeless when we want to transition and feel trapped. This is why so many of us kill ourselves. We can
not cope with the extreme rejection of family, friends, our church and society.
We are criticized for being "self centered" when we transition. For the first time in our lives, we ARE focusing on ourselves. We get
to be what we always felt we were inside and prayed someday we would be. All our lives we self sacrificed and did every little thing
anyone asked of us to in an effort to gain approval. Approval which never seemed to mean anything. It was always conditional. We
wait on others for some morsel of "approval", some crumb to fall from their table of acceptance. We would have done anything! And
we did, just to "feel" accepted.
Emotionally we stopped maturing at puberty when our bodies betrayed us and changed into the opposite of what we were inside. Until
transition, we live in our heads, detached from our bodies. When we transition, our emotional maturity begins again,... at puberty.
Body and mind reconnect and for the first time since childhood we become a whole person. We act like children in puberty
emotionally, because WE ARE!
We make all the same infantile male/female jokes that pre-teens and teens make. The only difference is, that as adults, we "know" they
are JUST jokes. Those seemingly derogatory jokes are a form of affirmation of the new gender role. Our emotional state has to
grow from 12 years of age to 40 or 50 years of age in a span of 2 to 4 years. Needless to say there is a lot of self discovery that
happens very rapidly and we uncover a lot of emotional stuff never dealt with. It takes some individuals, the rest of their lives to come
to terms with 30 or more years the buried and misunderstood feelings. All of it revolving around invalidation and lack of acceptance.
We even have emotional acceptance issues in the new gender role after transition!
After transition, we deal with a whole new set of problems. We have no past history in the new gender role. It is so alienating and
embarrassing for us to be in a conversation with others of our new gender and have no history and sometimes no information to
"remember" so we can "fit in" and contribute to the conversation. Trying to be "one of the girls" or "one of the guys" is so difficult.
We are hungry for information that will make us feel "genetic". But we still feel like a fraud. We become depressed and wonder is this
what life will be like. "Will I never "feel" like I fit in? Why is there no place for me in society?"
Perhaps one can begin to understand why so many commit suicide. Why we fall into depression so easily; because nothing ever
seems to fit! Some of us "choose" to be happy with what we can get in this life and others struggle with happiness.
This briefly explains the troubles and conflicts we face day to day within ourselves and with society. The most important and difficult
to explain is that after transition, we finally "feel" like a whole person. Our souls are at peace for the first time.
To sum things up one way:
"Before transition we are loved by our friends and family, but we have a deep hatred of ourselves. After transition, we are hated by
our family and friends, but now we love ourselves."
Through out most of our lives we learn values such as "be true to yourself", "my word is my bond", "always stand up and do the right
thing". Normally society makes heroes of these individuals and makes countless movies about them. But when WE stand on our own
and do the right thing, to be true to ourselves, it comes at a tremendous cost. We are not heroes, but "villains" and "selfish". In
movies we are portrayed as crazy, serial killers, the dead or deserving victim, or the worst of the worst. Who would pay such a high
price if they did not truly feel the way we do into the depths of our being? Could you pay such a price for your life?
Thank you for letting us share this with you.
.
| Family |
| Family, Friends, and Loved Ones Help Page |
| information located on this site. TGS does not engage in the practice of medicine or psychology, is not a medical or psychological authority, and does not claim medical or psychiatric knowledge. TGS recommends that you consult your own physician and psychologist regarding any course of treatment or medication. There are links to other web sites in various places through out our web site. TGS is not responsible for the content of other websites reached from links on our website. Use of this site and its information constitutes an agreement to these terms.through out our web site. TGS is not responsible for the content of other websites reached from links on our website. Use of this site and its information constitutes an agreement to these terms. |
| with your feelings and your loved ones changes. Please look around the rest of this website for more information about what it is to be transsexual/transgendered.about what it is to be transsexual/transgendered. |
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